Welcome. I write this blog as a way to share my opinions on things through my unique and Christian perspective. I am striving to turn my life completely over to God, doing His will in all things. I am s l o w l y getting the hang of it. I admit, I don’t always get it right but I am a willing spirit. God put the idea in my head to do this blog about a year ago. I move slow on ideas like this. He knew it would take that long for me to get around to it. He’s smart like that.
Why did it take so long?
For one thing, I was not 100% certain God wanted me to do it. I am not always sure I hear what God wants me to do. I wish He would use a megaphone! Or a burning bush. Though if He did speak that clearly, I may think myself crazy and still not do what He requested. He speaks to me in the quiet stillness of my mind. As a woman, my mind is not ever still. Ever. OK, once, but I was clinically depressed. Seriously. It takes a concerted effort on my part to “Be still and know I am God” (Psalm 46:10 and yes I had to look that up. Memorizing the Bible isn’t my strong suit). Another, and probably the most compelling reason, is I just didn’t want to. Didn’t want to take the time or make the effort. I didn’t want to share this particular story.
A year ago this very day, I had a miscarriage. Broke. my. heart. I really shouldn’t have been surprised. The statistical odds of me getting pregnant were very slim. We weren’t trying to get pregnant . We didn’t want another child. Yet for the very short time I was pregnant, I was thrilled. I never once considered miscarriage. I believe in a God who can and does do miracles. I did not doubt for one minute that He had the ability to give us this child. I thought it was a new, joyful adventure to put behind the horrendous year that was 2010. I did not doubt my God. He can do anything. Then I had the miscarriage. I was sad. I was angry. I felt betrayed. It was one of the few trials of life I have specifically asked the Lord to spare me from. I thought He had agreed to it. It did take us 3 years to get pregnant with my first child. And now, 4 years and 2 kids later, this was happening. To me. It felt like such a personal attack. Taking the one thing I wanted to be spared from and dumping it on me now after a solid year of turmoil. For what purpose? It’s not like more than 2 people knew about it (yes, I know I am now I’m telling the world…see how He does that).
As the days went by I had this revelation: If I hadn’t been so confident in my God, the thought that I may have a miscarriage may have crossed my mind. Maybe I wouldn’t have taken it for granted that the pregnancy would be fine. Maybe I would have been a little more cautious about the pregnancy. It wouldn’t have surprised me as much if the thought had crossed my mind once. This is what I got for believing my God can do anything: elevated hopes that fell a little farther when smashed than the ones of those who don’t believe. I wasn’t being pratical about it. Faith isn’t practical. It’s the price you pay when you walk this walk. Would I trade my faith in a God who can do anything for a little less shock when things go awry? Not for a second. It’s a small price to pay. The rewards are even better.